I’ve not been so up to date like I promised on here with one thing to another I get to the point where I take a step back and have a good look at life. So much shit seems to happen to me that I end up in a hot mess and shutdown.
The cam work is really making me judge myself more than what I ever thought I would. I struggle to let loose unless I get extremely drunk and that is not me. I’m normally a health conscious freak!
I just can’t do it and do not have the self confidence that most people expect. I hide behind my makeup and body. I’m a really shy, over self obsessed little girl with alot of issues.
In my day job I have to seem happy, bubbly and confident. I’m not atall.
When I finished my day job today at 6pm I thought I would run home and get cracking, on slipped the wig and undressed into my matching underwear, I was sat on cam ready to go and I looked at myself. The angle was wrong the lighting was wrong my bloated belly and wobbly legs were everywhere. No matter which way I looked at it I looked nothing like someone who goes on these sites.
Here I go again judging myself, comparing myself to others, but it was true. I felt sick.
What have you become you fat mess. Take control of your life. Picking at the features on my face. Shaved off and redrawn on eyebrows, a ugly fat nose, wonky teeth. “Who would pay for you” my conscious echoed untill I had enough.
I hadn’t even logged on, but the comments you can get off people on there really make a difference.
“Are you a man”
“Take your wig off”
“Your ugly”
“You slut”
It’s like comeon, give me some slack. Please place your body on here and sit for hours, you don’t know me.
Obviously they have to take my full FAKE profile into mind because that’s what they believe, they believe in some slut that wants to see their ugly pieces of self grown meat. Get over yourselfs. ‘ a note to the dickheads out there that make such rude comments’ we don’t do this for the good of our health.
For most people who go on there do it for money reasons.
I just can’t cope with all the self hatred. I have never felt so disgusted with my own body. So as they all say “new year, new me” but a bit later on in the new year! FEBRUARY IS THE START OF MY NEW YEAR!
I will be making routines for my weight training and my cam session. IM GOING TO DO THIS!!
Queenie x
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